Tell Him I Love Him...

As most of you know my Father was taken too soon from this world when I was only seventeen years old. He left behind three Daughters, a Son, a Wife, and a Step-Daughter.

Recently I found out sad news that my Step-Sister, Andrea who was the same age as myself was taken from us last year. She had been in a car accident that tragically took her life seven days later. She happened to be buried on my father's Anniversary date of his death eight years later. She lays to rest beside him.

When my Dad first told me he had a new girlfriend it didn't really phase me because if you knew my Dad, you knew him to be some what of a ladies man. But once they wed I knew this woman and her daughter would be an addition to my family. I was happy to hear that I'd be getting a sister my same age. Although close in years, Andrea was nothing like me. She was skinny and quiet. She didn't have many friends, didn't really play any sports, but we got along just the same. When I would go over to their house we'd spend hours talking about how crappy girls could be, how immature boys were, and how we wished our boobs would grow. Mine still haven't but that's besides the point.

After the death of my Father we lost touch for years only to reconnect through Myspace. She filled me in on her life, I on mine. She gave me news on how my little brother, who is now thirteen was doing and we made plans for the three of us to hang out. I had expressed to her how I had been jealous she got my Dad's gold Acura and we laughed about how she didn't even like driving it. Suddenly our emails to each other stopped and I didn't know why. Well now I do, and I'm sorry to hear the reason.

Death is such a horrible part of life, but if ever there was someone to spend eternity with my Father is the best company. Please tell him I love him with all my heart, I miss him terribly, and I hope I make him proud. Rest In Love Andrea.

cuz I'm keepin' it....cuz I'm keepin' it real!

Now I wasn't gonna address this because it seemed somewhat elementary to give attention to....but people seem to be getting things twisted so let me take a minute to set the record straight!

If there's one thing I've learned these past few years, it's that it is POINTLESS giving emotion towards things you can not control, longer than you have to. What is the purpose of getting mad over something that wasn't meant to be a part of your life? Why stay salty at someone because they didn't do what you wanted them to? It's a waste of precious time and much needed energy. Now I have not perfected the art of not giving a damn or brushing my shoulder off....but I've made progress. So as someone who was once a dweller, let me pass this little bit of advice on to those who seem to be "hating", GET OVER IT!

If you're a dude that wanted to holler, yet I didn't give you the time of day or didn't follow you're plan of wifey'n me up, too freaking bad! Don't get mad at me, get mad at yourself for spending so much time trying to change me. You weren't the one. Take your loses and carry on with some dignity and self respect. Crying to me about how you saw things and how wonderful they would have been had I of given it a chance will only fall on deaf ears. The heart wants what it wants and I'm sorry, but that wasn't you. Kick, kick, kick rocks!

If you're a ex-friend that is no longer a friend and you're mad about that.....build a bridge and...well you know the rest. There's no ill emotions from me towards you. I will always hold a little place in my heart for you because you were once a big part of my life, but there's no point in being fake and saying things are something they are not. We're adults, lets all act like it. If I'm asked about you, there will only be good things from my mouth, is it so much to ask for the same? If you really hate me that much, I will pray for you. Cuz it's a shame to live life with hate in your heart. I wish you only the best and good things for your days to come. But really, the talking about me when I'm not around and the anonymous comments on my blog need to stop. I will always love you but things are the way the are now for a reason....I'm happy. Go get your happy too!

Lastly, for those that don't even know me yet want to speak about me like they do......seriously? I mean I'm a cool person and all but I'm not that interesting to have you talk about me like I am. I'm not sure if it's purely jealousy or envy....maybe even hate. Whatever the case may be, its not worth it. Only makes you look dumb. I like to try and be the bigger person, doesn't always happen but I try. This is just me trying to help you out. Move on to something that will better your life, not waste your time. I couldn't care less about your opinions or comments about me. Very few truly know me and I can put money on the fact that you're not one of them.

So in conclusion, we're all grown people. Act your age, not your shoe size. Spread love, not hate. Life is too short for all this nonsense. Have a good life :)

It's kinda like my Birthday too!!

Today, five years ago....I actually think around 12 something in the morning I gave birth to a pale skinned, dark haired, 8 pound, 2 ounces, and 23 freaking inched baby boy!!!! His coming in to this world was a true test of my love for him....

My pregnancy was a roller coaster of events to say the least. Once we found out I was pregnant, his Father was shipped off to do a second tour in Iraq, leaving me to go through the first and most of the second trimester by myself. Experiencing the morning sickness, first kicks, ultrasounds, finding out it was a boy...all by my lonesome. Then when it was time for Ty to come out, he decided he wanted to hang out a little longer......a whole week and a half longer! My Doctor and I were ready for him to come out so I was induced. The morning of my induction, as I headed out the door to grab some good ole' healthy Taco Bell, my water broke. I decided to still go to Taco Bell!!! Shoot I had waited how long for him?? He definitely could wait 10 minutes for me to grab a bite! So once we finally got to the hospital my contractions were underway. I didn't care who came to stop by, who was saying what to me....all I cared about was when the contraction was coming and when it was ending. By the time I finally got my epidural I was 10 centimeters and ready to start pushing. Only one problem...every time I did his heart rate dropped. At first they made it seem like not a big problem, then all of the sudden I had people rushing in and out of my room that I hadn't seen the whole time I was there. They made everyone leave and told me in the calmest voice possible "Ma'am, the baby isn't doing too well with the pushing. We're gonna need to take him out right away via C-Section." ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! That was the only chapter in the pregnancy books I didn't bother reading. Never did I imagine it would happen to me. So after my dramatic conversation with my Mother that started off with "In case I die....." I was being wheeled off to the ER to finally get this baby out. A quick 35 minutes later I heard my son cry for the first time. It was the most beautiful noise a Mother will hear (besides first laughs, I love you's, and thanks Mom!). Once Ty wasn't blue anymore, I got to actually see him, smell him, and kiss him. Story was he had the cord wrapped around his neck and wrist so every time I pushed, he was getting choked out. Scary stuff let me tell you!!

Honestly, that hot day in August didn't just mark the day of my son's birth, but also my re-birth. Up until I became his Mother I was unsure of my purpose, confused about my direction in life, and walking the thin line of smart and not so smart decision making. I felt for the first time in a long time, I was truly alive. Everything from that day till the present has not just been to better myself, but to give him better than I give myself. I call him my Savior because he has truly saved my life from where it could have been headed. Even the worst of days are made better by his high pitched Mickey Mouse voice, silly laughter, random questions that no matter how you answer will always be followed by several Whys, his skinny little frame, big beautiful eyes, and awful dance moves. The love I have for my son is immeasurable and can barely be described. Words just don't seem to do it justice. I pray one day he will grow up and be able to understand his impact on my life. I love you Ty Courtney! Happy Birthday Son!

What About Your Friends??

If someone asked me whether or not I felt like I had a lot of friends, my response up until last week would have been YES. I say up until last week because I had been faced with the task of finding a ride home from the airport and had to think of who to call to pick me up. Normally this wouldn't seem like such a difficult task, but you can't just ask any old Joe Shmoe to drive to LAX for you. Its a favor for those you feel close enough to impose on. When I went down the list in my mind, I could only come up with about two people I felt close enough to even ask and still felt bad for doing so. Only two?? How the heck did that happen? Well I'll tell you.....

Since about the 6th grade I've had the same group of best friends consisting of about five girls. We hung out all through middle school, joined the cheer leading squad in high school, rode in the same limo to school dances, all our boyfriends were friends, each was present for birthday celebrations, holidays, special events, even after we graduated we still remained a cliche' little group called 'SMD'. But it wasn't until this last year or so I really started to look at our friendships for what they really were...which were actually not real friendships at all. Sure they were around for the good times, fun times, drinking times....but when things were bad or life was real they were no where to be found.

Based on this new found information I cut my ties. I happen to be educated enough to know what real friendships are suppose to consist of, look like, and most importantly feel like. These empty titles made me feel like crap. I deserved better. These girls, as wonderful as they might have been, were not a good representation of who I was and what I believed in. I feel it was more of 'well you're popular and I'm popular so it just makes sense.' That was the WRONG reason to be someones friend.

Since this awakening I can honestly say I have like...two girlfriends but not one best friend. Is that such a horrible thing? Perhaps not because life will still continue on, but I do believe everyone should at least have one bestie. The void of a best friend hadn't really crossed my mind because I've learned to handle things on my own and at times even talk to myself, answering my own questions, but it really didn't hit me until I almost didn't have a ride home from the airport!! Why could this be? I feel like I'm a nice person, good friend to have, honest, giving....why am I without a true best friend? Is it something I lack or am I just befriending the wrong people?

At the age of 2*mumbles* I'd really like to find at least one girlfriend that you can just tell anything to, rely on, and bond with. Friendship is such a beautiful thing...I see the relationships between my sister and her best friends and I'm like...wow! I really need that! Seems to be the only thing lacking in my life right now. But I'll tell you this, I'd rather not have one single friend than have five that are not worthy of the honor. Quality, not quantity. So for now I'll just wait....patiently....and pray God sends me that one best friend I can grow old with.

Should I be offended??

Today I was at the gas station, grabbing myself a Monster like I frequently do, when in front of me stood a skinny fellow. I'd say he was about 5'10, pretty pale, blond scruffy hair, and tattoos everywhere. I didn't really pay much attention because here in Orange County you see guys fitting this description everywhere. But what made me take notice eventually as we waited for the one cashier they had on duty take his time ringing people up, was that once this young man turned and saw me, his demeanor changed instantly. Granted I did not doll myself up just to run to the store. I had my hair up in a messy I don't care fashion, summer top on with no bra(horrible, I know!), jean shorts, flip flops, and my sun glasses on because I didn't feel like applying make-up. I wasn't winning any fashion shows but I still looked presentable!

Let me try and paint a picture of how this all went down....
I grab my Monster from the display in the middle of the store and step in line. Dude was chillin', waiting patiently in front of me. Dude turns around, looks at me, scoots forward making him now oddly too close to the person in front of him. I then made a slight sideways face follwed by an eye roll from behind my glasses.

Now I don't mind not being the opposite sex's cup of tea, but was ALL THAT necessary? As we stood in line waiting to be helped I started to glancing over his tattoos showing because he felt a T-shirt was not needed to get gas in the middle of the day. Last name across the top of his back, skulls and grim reapers in a collage sleeve down his left arm, stars on his calves.....nothing out of the norm here in the OC. But then I glance to his right arm and see Iron Crosses all over it.

Now if you're not familiar with what the Iron Cross is or where it came from, let me shed some light... Iron Cross was a military decoration of the Kingdom of Prussia, and later of Germany. In addition to the Napoleonic Wars, the Iron Cross was awarded during the Franco-German War, the First World War, and the Second World War.
The Iron Cross was also used as the symbol of the German Army from 1871 to 1915, when it was replaced by a simpler Greek cross. In 1956 the Iron Cross became the symbol of the Bundeswehr, the German armed forces.

This wasn't the first time I had seen an Iron Cross by any means, but the look this fellow sportin' the cross all over this arm gave me as he paid for his gas and walked out, made me take more notice about that symbol than ever before. So much that I kinda wanted to ask him like "Hey, um...do you not like people of color?" haha It just makes me so curious about what beliefs people practice based on the tattoos they display on their body. Is that like a flag for how they feel, think, act? Was it because his Great Great Great Grandfather fought and died in World War I or was he in a white supremacy group? Either way, I've never felt more uncomfortable in a gas station liquor store in my whole life. Perhaps my experience with the younger generation and their personal twists on historic symbols such as the Iron Cross, cause me to see things from a bias point of view. Maybe he just liked the design? What do you think?

Unbreakable

Sitting on the sidewalk for hours waiting, you could not break me.

The solitude of adolescence and the silence of one's mind, you could not break me.

Awkwardness of a rapidly growing body and even more rapidly growing mind, you could not break me.

Love made for adulthood yet experienced by teenagers, you could not break me.

The loss felt caused by the Lord calling one of his angel's home too early, you could not break me.

To give life and have life given back, you could not break me.

A partnership ripped apart by the lack of appreciation for one's spirit, you could not break me.

Friendships based on convenience and not devotion, you could not break me.

Words said from jealousy and hate, you could not break me.

Never thinking I could amount to anything yet everyday I strive to prove you wrong, you could not break me.

Life, Love, Self.....you WILL NOT break me.

To be or not to be......vulnerable.

The other day when signing on to the Internet from my phone I had the option to check my horoscope and since I hadn't in a while, I decided to click and see what hogwash it had to say. The advice it had for Taurus individuals was about being vulnerable to those around us, and in return that person will appreciate and want to be closer.
Be vulnerable? In 2009? Are you crazy fake horoscope website???

This reading got me thinking..why is it so many of us shy away from putting our whole selves out there? I know myself, I sure didn't. I tried my best to keep as much in as possible. This is because in the past when I've allowed myself to be vulnerable it's come back to bite me in the buttocks!!

Being vulnerable means to show yourself to others completely and utterly without holding back for fear of rejection or judgment. It means to say "here I am, flesh and bones. Here are my strengths, here are my weaknesses, here is where I stand-take it or leave it". Do any of us really do that? Of course not! When we first meet people, they get introduced to the BEST us. The best dressed us, best smelling, best mannered, best humor we've got. No one is truly themselves because perhaps we fear them not like the REAL us right off the bat. We don't have conversations right away about what has gone on in our lives up to the point of this here meeting. We don't talk about the times we've fallen to the floor in defeat, cried ourselves to sleep at night, stayed with a man longer than he deserved, how when we're really laughing our voice is 10 times louder than this cute giggle you're getting now, the fact we can eat a whole pizza by ourselves, or how even though our legs are shaved today that isn't always the case normally.....we show people what we want to show them and hide what we ourselves think they might not like, but really it's what we don't like about ourselves.

"You must first love and accept every part of yourself. Loving exactly what's going inside of you doesn't mean having desire to change those things. It's not a self help technique to improve because you are perfect already, you just need to realize it - 'I'm perfect with all of my flaws, fears, doubts and insecurities' Ironically, loving yourself and not trying to improve them will cause you to improve the most. People will be OK with anything that you are OK with it and that includes the darker side of yourself. If you still judge yourself for something, they too will judge you for it. They will pick up of on your fears, insecurity and judgments and pounce on them."

I'll share with y'all and say in my previous dating experiences, I have been pounced on!!!(minds out of the gutter please!!!) And this quote before is exactly why it happened. There were things I did not like about myself and although I tried hiding them, it only made them even more apparent and boys ate it up!!

My food for the thought is:
- A person that feeds on your flaws or insecurities, does so because they themselves are insecure. Tell them to keep it movin'!!
- If you love all aspects of you, good and bad, the right person will love them too. "One man's trash is another man's treasure"