It's kinda like my Birthday too!!

Today, five years ago....I actually think around 12 something in the morning I gave birth to a pale skinned, dark haired, 8 pound, 2 ounces, and 23 freaking inched baby boy!!!! His coming in to this world was a true test of my love for him....

My pregnancy was a roller coaster of events to say the least. Once we found out I was pregnant, his Father was shipped off to do a second tour in Iraq, leaving me to go through the first and most of the second trimester by myself. Experiencing the morning sickness, first kicks, ultrasounds, finding out it was a boy...all by my lonesome. Then when it was time for Ty to come out, he decided he wanted to hang out a little longer......a whole week and a half longer! My Doctor and I were ready for him to come out so I was induced. The morning of my induction, as I headed out the door to grab some good ole' healthy Taco Bell, my water broke. I decided to still go to Taco Bell!!! Shoot I had waited how long for him?? He definitely could wait 10 minutes for me to grab a bite! So once we finally got to the hospital my contractions were underway. I didn't care who came to stop by, who was saying what to me....all I cared about was when the contraction was coming and when it was ending. By the time I finally got my epidural I was 10 centimeters and ready to start pushing. Only one problem...every time I did his heart rate dropped. At first they made it seem like not a big problem, then all of the sudden I had people rushing in and out of my room that I hadn't seen the whole time I was there. They made everyone leave and told me in the calmest voice possible "Ma'am, the baby isn't doing too well with the pushing. We're gonna need to take him out right away via C-Section." ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! That was the only chapter in the pregnancy books I didn't bother reading. Never did I imagine it would happen to me. So after my dramatic conversation with my Mother that started off with "In case I die....." I was being wheeled off to the ER to finally get this baby out. A quick 35 minutes later I heard my son cry for the first time. It was the most beautiful noise a Mother will hear (besides first laughs, I love you's, and thanks Mom!). Once Ty wasn't blue anymore, I got to actually see him, smell him, and kiss him. Story was he had the cord wrapped around his neck and wrist so every time I pushed, he was getting choked out. Scary stuff let me tell you!!

Honestly, that hot day in August didn't just mark the day of my son's birth, but also my re-birth. Up until I became his Mother I was unsure of my purpose, confused about my direction in life, and walking the thin line of smart and not so smart decision making. I felt for the first time in a long time, I was truly alive. Everything from that day till the present has not just been to better myself, but to give him better than I give myself. I call him my Savior because he has truly saved my life from where it could have been headed. Even the worst of days are made better by his high pitched Mickey Mouse voice, silly laughter, random questions that no matter how you answer will always be followed by several Whys, his skinny little frame, big beautiful eyes, and awful dance moves. The love I have for my son is immeasurable and can barely be described. Words just don't seem to do it justice. I pray one day he will grow up and be able to understand his impact on my life. I love you Ty Courtney! Happy Birthday Son!

What About Your Friends??

If someone asked me whether or not I felt like I had a lot of friends, my response up until last week would have been YES. I say up until last week because I had been faced with the task of finding a ride home from the airport and had to think of who to call to pick me up. Normally this wouldn't seem like such a difficult task, but you can't just ask any old Joe Shmoe to drive to LAX for you. Its a favor for those you feel close enough to impose on. When I went down the list in my mind, I could only come up with about two people I felt close enough to even ask and still felt bad for doing so. Only two?? How the heck did that happen? Well I'll tell you.....

Since about the 6th grade I've had the same group of best friends consisting of about five girls. We hung out all through middle school, joined the cheer leading squad in high school, rode in the same limo to school dances, all our boyfriends were friends, each was present for birthday celebrations, holidays, special events, even after we graduated we still remained a cliche' little group called 'SMD'. But it wasn't until this last year or so I really started to look at our friendships for what they really were...which were actually not real friendships at all. Sure they were around for the good times, fun times, drinking times....but when things were bad or life was real they were no where to be found.

Based on this new found information I cut my ties. I happen to be educated enough to know what real friendships are suppose to consist of, look like, and most importantly feel like. These empty titles made me feel like crap. I deserved better. These girls, as wonderful as they might have been, were not a good representation of who I was and what I believed in. I feel it was more of 'well you're popular and I'm popular so it just makes sense.' That was the WRONG reason to be someones friend.

Since this awakening I can honestly say I have like...two girlfriends but not one best friend. Is that such a horrible thing? Perhaps not because life will still continue on, but I do believe everyone should at least have one bestie. The void of a best friend hadn't really crossed my mind because I've learned to handle things on my own and at times even talk to myself, answering my own questions, but it really didn't hit me until I almost didn't have a ride home from the airport!! Why could this be? I feel like I'm a nice person, good friend to have, honest, giving....why am I without a true best friend? Is it something I lack or am I just befriending the wrong people?

At the age of 2*mumbles* I'd really like to find at least one girlfriend that you can just tell anything to, rely on, and bond with. Friendship is such a beautiful thing...I see the relationships between my sister and her best friends and I'm like...wow! I really need that! Seems to be the only thing lacking in my life right now. But I'll tell you this, I'd rather not have one single friend than have five that are not worthy of the honor. Quality, not quantity. So for now I'll just wait....patiently....and pray God sends me that one best friend I can grow old with.

Should I be offended??

Today I was at the gas station, grabbing myself a Monster like I frequently do, when in front of me stood a skinny fellow. I'd say he was about 5'10, pretty pale, blond scruffy hair, and tattoos everywhere. I didn't really pay much attention because here in Orange County you see guys fitting this description everywhere. But what made me take notice eventually as we waited for the one cashier they had on duty take his time ringing people up, was that once this young man turned and saw me, his demeanor changed instantly. Granted I did not doll myself up just to run to the store. I had my hair up in a messy I don't care fashion, summer top on with no bra(horrible, I know!), jean shorts, flip flops, and my sun glasses on because I didn't feel like applying make-up. I wasn't winning any fashion shows but I still looked presentable!

Let me try and paint a picture of how this all went down....
I grab my Monster from the display in the middle of the store and step in line. Dude was chillin', waiting patiently in front of me. Dude turns around, looks at me, scoots forward making him now oddly too close to the person in front of him. I then made a slight sideways face follwed by an eye roll from behind my glasses.

Now I don't mind not being the opposite sex's cup of tea, but was ALL THAT necessary? As we stood in line waiting to be helped I started to glancing over his tattoos showing because he felt a T-shirt was not needed to get gas in the middle of the day. Last name across the top of his back, skulls and grim reapers in a collage sleeve down his left arm, stars on his calves.....nothing out of the norm here in the OC. But then I glance to his right arm and see Iron Crosses all over it.

Now if you're not familiar with what the Iron Cross is or where it came from, let me shed some light... Iron Cross was a military decoration of the Kingdom of Prussia, and later of Germany. In addition to the Napoleonic Wars, the Iron Cross was awarded during the Franco-German War, the First World War, and the Second World War.
The Iron Cross was also used as the symbol of the German Army from 1871 to 1915, when it was replaced by a simpler Greek cross. In 1956 the Iron Cross became the symbol of the Bundeswehr, the German armed forces.

This wasn't the first time I had seen an Iron Cross by any means, but the look this fellow sportin' the cross all over this arm gave me as he paid for his gas and walked out, made me take more notice about that symbol than ever before. So much that I kinda wanted to ask him like "Hey, um...do you not like people of color?" haha It just makes me so curious about what beliefs people practice based on the tattoos they display on their body. Is that like a flag for how they feel, think, act? Was it because his Great Great Great Grandfather fought and died in World War I or was he in a white supremacy group? Either way, I've never felt more uncomfortable in a gas station liquor store in my whole life. Perhaps my experience with the younger generation and their personal twists on historic symbols such as the Iron Cross, cause me to see things from a bias point of view. Maybe he just liked the design? What do you think?

Unbreakable

Sitting on the sidewalk for hours waiting, you could not break me.

The solitude of adolescence and the silence of one's mind, you could not break me.

Awkwardness of a rapidly growing body and even more rapidly growing mind, you could not break me.

Love made for adulthood yet experienced by teenagers, you could not break me.

The loss felt caused by the Lord calling one of his angel's home too early, you could not break me.

To give life and have life given back, you could not break me.

A partnership ripped apart by the lack of appreciation for one's spirit, you could not break me.

Friendships based on convenience and not devotion, you could not break me.

Words said from jealousy and hate, you could not break me.

Never thinking I could amount to anything yet everyday I strive to prove you wrong, you could not break me.

Life, Love, Self.....you WILL NOT break me.